Corporate Travel 2009

I don't know who the original author of this was, but it started out as several paragraphs about fifteen years ago, and I've added to and embellished upon it over the years to fit the mission. Here's this years tongue-in-cheek "corporate travel" memo:

DATE: December 19, 2008

TO: All Employees

SUBJECT: TRAVEL RESTRICTIONS


In conjunction with our planning process, the following guidelines are to be implemented for all levels and strictly adhered to. All planning for 2009 should reflect these new policies. These changes are effective immediately and I have asked Accounting to monitor compliance.

TRANSPORTATION:

Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is the preferred choice. Luminescent safety vests will be provided to all company employees prior to departure on company business trips. Bus transportation will be used when hitchhiking is not possible. (Temperatures below -30, winds over 90 mph, or rain/snowfall in excess of 10 inches per hour) Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances, and the lowest fare will be used. Cargo class is best. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in San Diego, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, the meeting will be relocated to Detroit. Also, if convenient arrival/departure times are not favorable to obtain the lowest pricing, your entire schedule will be changed to allow you to shuttle cross country, and meet the flight times of the lowest cost airline.

LODGING:

All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives, friends or mere acquaintances while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks, roadside rests and parking lots should be used for temporary lodging sites. Bridges and tunnels may provide shelter during periods of inclement weather. During extreme cold, the use of homeless shelters should be investigated. Home Office company meetings will be scheduled for the winter months, to take advantage of Father Joe's Mission, where lodging and meals are available. (Casual dress suggested)

MEALS:

Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that various grocery chains, such as Harvest Ranch, Von's, Ralph's, Costco and Sam's Club, often offer free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be consumed in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants absolutely must be utilized, travelers should frequent the ones offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially cost effective to employees traveling together, as a single plate can be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business, Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beefaroni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation. NOTE: This is not to imply that foraging at dumpsters is prohibited. However, be aware that illness resulting from such foraging is at your own risk and expense.

ENTERTAINMENT:

Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer/agent contacts, the contact should be encouraged to "pick up the tab." Such action will save company money and also convince the client that we are concerned about spending money on a good product, not on useless frivolities. If it is absolutely necessary to take a client to lunch/dinner, the "all you can eat" salad bar is again a good choice. Coupons for "buy one _ get one free" and reduced prices on fast food should also be used when possible. The hospitality provided to our clients who visit our facilities shall be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot near the dumpster, and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshment can be provided for our guests.

COMPANY VEHICLES:

Drivers are encouraged to plan their travel so they may take advantage of free car washes from early morning lawn sprinkling. Making productive calls on rainy days will also assist in reducing the cost of car washes. New vehicles will be ordered in two-tone color combinations of brown/beige to reduce washing requirements.(Those personnel in areas of red clay earth concentrations will receive red/beige color schemes.) For those personnel operating in urban areas, company cars will not be provided. Rather, a bag of bus/subway/trolley tokens will be issued monthly to reduce waiting at token booths. Bicycles may be rented in the event of bus/subway/trolley strikes, or to access risks that are over five miles walking distance from the bus/subway/trolley station. Van pooling is encouraged, as many times the van driver can get you within several miles of your survey location, and you can then "check out" the neighborhood as you walk through. This is especially helpful when in areas where, if you were issued a company car, it would be stolen anyway.

MISCELLANEOUS:

All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during bus, train or airport terminal layovers to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all travelers prior to departure, so they may earn tips by helping other travelers with their luggage. Small plastic roses will be made available to all employees, so that sales may be made as time permits. Please note that each baggage cart returned is worth a quarter, so hustle, and we can make this program work.

Have a Happy and Productive 2009!